Dare to ask

As a child I would make a wishlist for Santa. I wished for books, construction boxes, toys. On December 5th I usually got a pyjama and knitwear, such as socks and mitten, a scarf or a sweather. I was comfortably warm but did not understand the secret ways of Santa. I’ve only come to appreciate the love behind all this much later.

In my coachings I sometimes ask: “what do you do when you have a problematic question? Do you have someone to turn to? Fellow students, parents, friends?” From the answers I get that this is not as easy as it seems. Asking is more complex than expected. How many friends do you really have when it comes to a head?
Students (and other adults) generally have a lot of friends on social media. They share how beautiful their life is and how well they are doing. The most probable feedback is a huge number of ‘likes’. The downside of this glorious life is less visible and will hardly be shared, in spite of the difficulties to be overcome and the need for support. And support is usually not provided through the smartphone. On the way to independence (and for the rest of your life) you need other people. You may receive feedback and support if you open up to the other person and allow your vulnerability to show. That seems to be a big and awkward step for some. Growing into independence increasingly means that you should do it all by yourself and on your own.

As a child I always had a lot of questions but I did get very little answers (not only from Santa). So I developed the attitude of the selfmade man, and this became my second nature. I did get quite far with that attitude but it also made me lonely. Back then there were no Googles or social media. That ’s hard to comprehend now. The way to develop and learn was a long way of trial and error. I became quite independent: being responsible and giving answers was my strongsuit. Fortunately there also was support and step by step I learned to ask for help. My own development feeds my compassion for developmental issues. As a coach I am not responsible for the coachee and I do not give many answers: the client is responsible for his or her development and I ask questions, a lot of questions, difficult questions sometimes (and I provide support).

In coaching we always explore how you want to achieve your developmental goals and how you handle this. How do you cope with what’s going on? What do you need to learn and what do you want to let go? Numerous questions, that you could ask the people around you. You may not always get what you asked for, but you will always get something out of that! If you need to learn how to do that you may need a coach. You’re very welcome with your questions, together we may find some of your answers!